39. From Polly's Diary

39.

From Polly's Diary

Polly allows me to copy from her diary:

“It is best, of course, that I go it alone, for life’s sake alone and for other lesser sakes which I can’t congeal into thoughts, patterns or sentences. I MUST go on. There is nothing else for me anywhere right now; anything else would be escapism if I give up now.

England is too easy for me now. I like to think of it as the reward—the pot of gold at the end of my rainbow.

I am not halfway over my rainbow yet. There are all shades of the spectrum: the blues of sad times, the indigos of times when all is beyond me —my endurance, my comprehension, greens of calmer, earthy times, yellows of golden, mellow contented times, oranges of effervescent times and reds of the times of the heights of excitement of intensity, yet to be lived out.

Sure, these variants are going to be in England or my chosen land, or my life after traveling, but I need South America or Africa so I can KNOW these good and bad times, can acknowledge them as they rise, can accept and appreciate them. In a sane, sedate organized environ I could not do so. I would be a victim of past conditioning of societies opinions and of its conscience dictatorship.

I can only GET TO KNOW MYSELF by living out these experiences in a strange, unpredictable environment. I can only learn what my limit of endurance or powers of comprehension can be when put to the test. I can only realize the depression of sadness to its deepest extent—then only can I realize the extremity of its opposite emotions.

I can practice the calmness, acceptance appreciation of earthy times HERE more. I can know the pleasure of unplanned surprise times of relaxation, of golden mellowness, of content HERE more—because HERE only it can be unexpected, unroutined. I can be childlike and uninhibited in happy, fun and effervescent times HERE, not restricted by “proper” behavior patterns. I can seek; maybe find, my capacity for joy, for passion, for supreme emotion, supreme experience HERE more honestly, more poignantly than THERE.

I must try to continue crawling the length, the full arch of my rainbow. I must try to BECOME a rainbow. If I succeed, if I become the personification of all the variants—when I AM a rainbow, then maybe I will find the pot of gold at the end. Maybe I will BECOME the pot of gold too. That would be “enlightenment”—“liberation”."

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