Mafia Father and Son's Field Trip

Mafia Father and Son’s Field Trip

It’s a great thing to be a Mafia Chief. You get lots of respect and the money’s not so bad either. But you’ve gotta guard your reputation.


My wife was telling me the other day, “Honey, you’ve gotta guard your reputation.” and I sez, “Whatta ya mean?” and she sez, “The kid. Your own kid don’t respect you!” “Oh yeah?” I sez, “Well look, I put in a hard day being a Mafioso every day and it ain’t so easy either!” “Well, I heard your own little boy telling his little girlfriend that his pa was just a lazy bum.” “What? Lazy!” I sez, a bit surprised ‘cause the kid and I’ve always had what you’d call a real buddy-buddy relationship. “You heard me,” she sez, “and if your own kid don’t respect you, who will?”


Well, that’s exactly true! And in this business, respect is everything! So right then and there I decided the time had come to teach my boy to be a Mafia Chief just like his old man. Hey, you can’t learn this Mafia stuff in school, can you? No you can’t. So I told the wife, “Look, dear. It’s about time the kid learned just what it takes to be a Mafioso so I’ll just take him out on the street some day to show him his old man is a real Mafia Chief.” “What about school?” she sez. “You just write the teacher a note that he’s sick.” I sez. “Oh, no you don’t.” she sez, “I’m not one of your lying Mafia molls! And I don’t want the kid to learn any bad habits either!” “OK, OK! Keep your shirt on!” I sez, “Write the teacher a note that I want him to accompany his father to his place of business as an educational field trip.”


“Ha. Ha.” She sez.

So the next Thursday I took the kid along with me on my regular collection route. My wife had got him all dressed up in the cutest little Mafioso outfit you ever saw: cool little boy-size black pin-stripe suit with black shirt and black tie and a red show hankie in the breast pocket, shiny little black shoes and, of course, fancy dark glasses with real black lenses-and that wasn’t so easy finding dark glasses his size in this crummy town either, like she sez!


When we went out to my new, black Toyota Land Cruiser, and that’s about seventy thousand bucks right there, I was sure proud of him! First I showed him how to look under the car to make sure no other Mafia Chief had put a bomb under there to give us a little “good-morning surprise” like they did to Lefty in January--poor old Lefty--I gotta go visit what’s left of him in the hospital some day soon--and then we drove on downtown.


Such a nice day--birds singing and some green spring grass showing for the first time. One of them days you’re just glad to be alive--and there’s my own kid ridin’ shotgun and I’m almost burstin' with joy and pride!


My first client is the old lady that sells cigarettes and gum on the train station steps. Hey, every little bit helps, right? I showed the kid how to kinda swagger when you walk so’s to look more confident and Mafia-like, and together we stroll right up to this old dame who’s about old enough to be my granny. She’s sitting there wearing her ragged parka with her junky folding tray and beat-up cardboard box with about eight kinds of cigarettes and two kinds of gum on it, and this morning I notice she’s got a couple of cans of tomato sauce like she’s increasing her stock in trade and that’s something I always encourage my clients to do because the more they sell the more money I make, right?


I take two cigarettes from one of her open packs and light mine with my gold US Marines Zippo lighter. (They’re super and I’m not kidding!) I give the other cig to my kid but don’t light it ‘cause he’s too young to smoke. He sticks it in his mouth like I do anyway and lets it kinda hang from his lip just like I do--so cute!


“How’s business, Babe?” I sez to the old girl. (I call ‘em all “Babe”. They like that.)


“Oh, Chief.” She sez, “Business is just terrible! Can’t I skip my “insurance” payment this week? Who’s your little friend?”


“Look, Babe. We’ve been through this all before.” I sez, “This boy is my very own kid.”


“He’s just darling!” she sez, “Please don’t take my money again, Chief-my old man’s gonna beat me.”


“Ain’t this kid the cat’s meow?” I sez, “Look, Babe, gimme your regular “insurance payment” or I’m gonna hafta break your fingers one by one and maybe give you a black eye or two!”


“Oh, OK”, she sez, and she takes the cash outta her pocket. “Here it is” she sez, “and here’s some gum for the kid. Is he gonna be a Mafia Chief too?”


“Maybe.” I sez, casual but cool, “He might be collecting from you some day.”


“Well, its so good to see a father teaching his son a trade!” she sez, “So many families these days are so dysfunctional.”


“Yeah? Well, I’ve always believed in a strong work ethic and I want my kid to be just the same. See ya next week.” I sez, and my boy follows me back to the car.
And that’s how it went all day. We had a great time and all my “protection racket” clients thought the kid was a real “chip off the old block”, and when I made my payment to the precinct police chief, I took the time to explain to the kid all about graft and corruption too. It was really swell.


My wife told me later that she heard the kid tell his little girlfriend that when he grows up he wants to be a Mafia Chief just like me.

Tomasito, 2008


...